Playing By Prim's Rules
by SimplySarcastic18
Summary: Primrose Everdeen's been keeping things bottled up for a while... For 14 years in fact! Who knew that sweet, adorable girl had such a sarcastic streak? A collection of rules and guidelines the people and cats of Panem should adhere to. More to come soon!
1. Mentors

_Summary: Prim's been keeping some things bottled up for a long time… About 14 years in fact! Who knew that under that cute, sweet exterior, she was hiding a sarcastic streak. _

**A/N: So this is basically going to be a list of things that Prim thinks mentors, gamemakers, tributes etc. should and shouldn't do. I'm willing to accept any suggestions if you guys have them! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Hunger Games_. All characters and settings are property of Suzanne Collins.**

**15 rules for Mentors:**

1. It is comforting for tributes with a 4.16667% chance of winning to have an alcoholic giving them vital advice and information that will be necessary for their survival.

2. Bitch and moan about having to mentor kids that end up dead every year. Make no effort to try and keep them alive, nor thank the fact that somehow, you are still alive while they are not.

3. Being piss-ass drunk when meeting your tributes for the first time is perfectly acceptable conduct.

4. Fail to send a simple antiseptic when one of your tributes is deathly ill. Make sure to give the other a surplus of unimaginably expensive, Capitol made salve to heal their second degree burn as that may or may not endanger their life.

5. When it seems your tribute may have a chance at winning, neglect to tell them they may be forced into prostitution afterwards. There is no way they might find death preferable to a life of slavery.

6. If you feel that your tribute does not have a strong chance of surviving, make sure to tell them that. It fills them with hope. It really does.

7. If you are a single mentor in charge of two tributes because no one else from your district was able to survive or your old partner died, devote all your attention to only one of them. The other does not in any way feel left out, rejected, abandoned, or jilted.

8. Instead of trying to hold conversations with other mentors, who are the only people in the world who understand what you have gone through and may be able to help you with your addictions, them at every opportunity.

9. Especially the Career mentors. This will certainly keep your already targeted tributes safe from their wrath.

10. If you are a mentor from Districts 1, 2, or 4, you must be in pristine mental health and bask in the glory of having won the games. You are NOT allowed to suffer a nervous breakdown or develop an addiction to ANYTHING except for maybe something (relatively) harmless, like sugar cubes or blood. If you are from any of the other districts, heck, feel free to completely neglect your physical, mental, and emotional health.

11. Tributes find it enjoyable to have to clean up their one and only mentor's vomit the night before they may be sentenced to a painful death.

12. Force your tributes to practice for their big interview. While they are trying to get their act together for the performance that may decide their fate, continually insult, snub, and basically tell them that they are failures that will embarrass themselves in front of all of Panem.

13. Feel free to sacrifice one of your tributes so that the other may gain a slight advantage. There is nothing morally wrong AT ALL with this.

14. Patronize, patronize, patronize.

15. And lastly, you've already survived the games once, which is once more than most. Do try not to provoke the all-powerful "President" (*cough cough* dictator) into choosing you to enter the Battle Royale of all Hunger Games.

**I'd just like to say I have nothing against Haymitch (although it may seem otherwise), but it's just that I couldn't resist. **** I'm hoping the other ones will be considerably longer, and again, I'm open to any suggestions. So tell me what you think!**

**~ SS **


	2. Gamemakers and The Capitol

**A/N: And I'm back! Thanks to everyone who reviewed/favourited/added this to their alerts. I'm debating between frequent but short updates, or sporadic yet long ones. What's your opinion? **

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**5 rules for Gamemakers**

1. Be cruel, cunning, sadistic, merciless (insert negative adjective here) bastards during the Hunger Games to half-starved children that have done nothing to you, including but not limited to hurling balls of fire, hanging hordes of mutated wasps over their campsite, and creating ravenous mutts with halitosis developed for the sole purpose of mutilating. Develop a conscience as soon as the tributes in question decide to openly defy the Capitol and jeopardize your life.  
2. You are all heartless demons. Except for your Head Gamemaker. Defying all laws of logic, instead of being the biggest heartless demon, the Head Gamemaker must routinely risk his life to incite rebellion and/or support the rebel cause.  
3. It is a very smart idea to lock yourselves in a room full of deadly weapons wielded by tributes who would love nothing more than to decapitate you.  
4. Ignore the fact that some tributes have had a lifetime of training. Deny them the opportunity to show off their skills in tense situations, such as oh I don't know, maybe the final three and instead just let them be devoured by wolves.

5. Make sure to piss off the tribute who JUST SO HAPPENS to be proficient with a bow in close quarters during her scoring session.

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**10 rules for the Citizens of the Capital**

1. We, the citizens of Panem, are impressed and in awe of your sense of style. We are in no way repulsed or disgusted by webbed feet or tattooed eyes.

2. Be repulsed by avoxes; people that have been physically mutilated and done virtually nothing wrong. Admire and fawn over Enobaria, who ripped some kid's throat out with her teeth.

3. You sound like Spongebob on crack. Deal with it.

4. Be disgusted by a bit of dirt and grime. Enjoy watching children getting ripped to shreds in the arena.

5. Continually act like an over privileged, materialistic, upper middle class child pageant queen.

6. Just because you only care about appearances and cry when someone has the same shoes as you does not in ANY WAY make you shallow or materialistic.

7. Gentlemen, no matter how many surgical alterations you get, accept the fact that you'll never be as hot as Finnick Odair.

8. Ladies, you can dye and tattoo your skin all you want; it still won't attract Finnick.

9. We WANT to be educated by you on fashion and style. The fact that you are currently sporting a sparkly lime green jumpsuit with feather chokers doesn't mean a thing.

10. When your city is being attacked, don't attempt to escape and/or join the rebels. Instead, run around outside panicking and screaming for your equally useless neighbours to help you. How you won the war confounds us all.

**Wow I find writing these to be very… therapeutic. Message me if you have any requests!**

**~SS**


	3. The Career Districts

**A/N: I find making these lists a good alternative to Angry Birds.**

**6 Rules for the Citizens of District One:**

1. You must be stunningly, captivatingly beautiful. It is not enough to be simply cute, pretty, or gorgeous. We have standards to maintain here.

2. Your hair MUST be the colour of spun gold. Fair, light, or blonde is unacceptable. STAY GOLD.

3. Your district makes luxury goods. Act surprised when your tribute attempts to sneak in a poisoned spike disguised as a ruby ring. Gee I wonder where she got THAT idea from?

4. You're not exceptionally skilled with weapons, survival skills, or gifted with extraordinary intelligence. Let's face it; the only reason you're in the Career Pack is because District 2 likes to stare at your ass.

5. Brag about how good looking you are. Ignore the fact that the best looking person in all of Panem is from District Four.

6. Grow up and except the fact that your tributes will never be as good as District Two's. You are silver to their gold. Yale to their Harvard. Aragorn to their Legolas.

**5 Rules for the Citizens of District Two:**

1. You are the scariest tributes in the arena. Feel the need to prove this fact to eighty pound, four foot five twelve year old girls. They need a bit more fear in their lives.

2. The need to hurt and bully others DOES NOT come from a deep rooted insecurity. Cato, the fact that you started picking fights after Enobaria called your ears lopsided is purely coincidental.

3. Continually brag about having the best tributes. Fail to see the irony in the highest trained female tribute being taken down by an untrained, illiterate farmer boy from the outskirts of the redneck district.

4. Become proficient at lying to yourself. The Capitol is good. The Hunger Games are a good source of entertainment. Enobaria's teeth are attractive.

5. Let's face it: you'll never be as good looking as District One.

**5 Rules for the Citizens of District 4:**

1. You are not talented with weapons or stunningly attractive. The only reason you're part of the Career Pack is because… Well actually, I have no clue. All you guys can do is swim and catch fish. I'm sure that'll come in handy in a FOREST arena.

2. Being from District Four, there are only 3 ways you can win: if the Gamemakers trigger an earthquake and unleash a torrent of water, if you manage to seduce the entire female population of the Capitol, or if… well no one really remembers Mags' games (or even her full name) so I guess that brings it down to two.

3. Despite being in with the Careers, you will be one of the first districts to join the rebellion. Don't ask me why.

4. For all your training, you received the same score as a baker from District Twelve AND got killed in the bloodbath during the first minute of the games. Hey but on the bright side, it's not like you had much of a chance anyway!

5. During the rebellion, District Eight was launching guerilla attacks on Peacekeepers, District Eleven was in full out war, District Twelve was being bombed into oblivion, and you, you deprived the starving Capitol citizens of their CRAYFISH. Good job. I'm sure that was what really swung the odds in our favour.

**6 Rules for Career Tributes:**

1. Don't bother learning any survival skills. It's not as if it could possibly come in handy if some marginally intelligent tribute ever decided to destroy all your supplies.

2. Hire a genius to handle high power explosives around you and your campsite. Then, run off to "hunt tributes" and leave him alone. It's not like he might rig the mines so that when you come back, you'd become living fireworks.

3. When walking through the forest looking for tributes, be sure to make as much noise as you can. They will be so terrified of the sound of your footsteps that they'll conveniently stay in one, easily accessible location and politely wait for your arrival.

4. Be proficient in the following: glaring, scowling, snarling, glowering, sniggering, smirking, sneering, grimacing, grumbling, growling, jeering, taunting, and leering. If you do not know the differences between these, you have failed as a Career.

5. Do not consider allowing the tribute with the highest score join your little club. She could not possibly have a useful skill you may need, and it would not be easier in any way to kill her in her sleep than to try and track her down through dense forest for hours.

6. Once you have trapped the aforementioned tribute in a tree, don't make any real attempts to kill her, such as throwing a knife, or setting it on fire. Instead, sleep. There is no way she might escape to a different tree, or drop a hive of mutated wasps on you.

**See? I told you they'd get longer (eventually)! Thanks to all my reviewers! I'm sorry, but I can't respond to anonymous ones… Anyway, I'm planning on doing Stylists, Peacekeepers, or Presidents next. Maybe all three? What do you guys think?**

**~ SS**


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